Hii there hello.

Okay so here's the thing

One.

I have just been ''forced'' to stay at my grandpaas place not that I said so much against it but in TWO FRIGGIN WEEKS?!

Yeah so two weeks with my sick stupid and mean sister.

So she's like this, in the mornings it's enough with me looking fast at her and she's spitting out

''What are you staring at?!" I'm like ''No nothing..'' All quiet.

And like is that fair? No! It's NOT fair!

And later she can be SO irritating! Even hulimating! And when I like says stop. Stupid it's not fun.

Then she's saying really annoying ''Oh I'M sorry for existing.'' or like '' Ooooh nooow I'm so irritaiting for Ronja.''

and like why should she just be like that? first irritate me as hell to be rude afterwards like everythings my fault like I'm the annoying one.

Oh geez, and as if THAT'S Not enough at night after twelve when I wanted to sleep then she had to stay up with the light on because she was going to have a headache if she had'nt the light on. Like okaay! THEN TURN IT OFF!

I mean you don't neeed to have it on you can do as mee, sleep!

Cuz the day after we're going, or at least I, going to be up at nine in the morning and like okay! I don't wanna psychally like diie! I'm going to be dragged with something like YOOU!

But she cannot see that. I think the only thing she even CAN see is herself!

Siigh.. Anyhow it's all over but the bad news isn't over, at friday we're going.

First to y grandpaa and then grandma and like okay. I HATE grandma! I don't want anything to do with her! Except I want her to leave  me aloone!

And this ''granpa'' is not my real granny he's my mothers mothers boyfriend or at least used to be.

However he's dying. The doctors said that they did'nt think he would survive christmas but he did. It's just a pain to visit him. And I recieved a letter . From dad. He's in prison for abuse? Think so..

Anyway I was happy over my ears but now it's over I cannot do anything mother don't want me to talk with him. And I just gotta listen until I move out.

Sheez.. however .. now the great stuff!:)

Okay so this is Izaya from Durarara, he's really great! And I just totally LOVE this picture!!!

But pics like theeze.. sigh it's just SO Totally HOT!

I just love it so damn much!

well that'll be just enough for today see ya'll!

(just so totally crazy in that personallity! geez!!!<3)

Todau is a new day. It's said that a new day should be better isn't it?

Well I don't really know about that.. Anyway my mornings always the same, wake up by the light wonder how much the clock is open the computer to look.

After that depending on how much the clock is depending on that .. Well I would hurry if the clock where seven

because I'm always going off to school 15 mins over seven, but if it would be around six then I could even rest a little, then I would chill.

See the pic? It's beautiful isn't it.. Well at least I think so, I found it as a video at youtube well it's actually a song named; ''Nightcore - Lion''

It's really beautiful she sings about that a lion are an angel even if you would say that a lion are really dangerous..

Or at least something like that.. 

I always find new songs with nightcore which both I and other people seems to like, so that's good I guess.. And that reminds me of which my uncle said.. He said I wroted like.. beautiful? Well something like that and I was just like oh yeah? Uhm.. is that TRUE? Well... is it.. Strange..? Haha well anyway I wish I had this pic like on my wall because I would just watch it for like hours. I'm reading a book where a girl are stuck for a potrait of a girl where you just can see the back of the girl and a temple behind her and the woman says that the background or the whole pic are changing all the time, the ones who had read all the books of stepehen King should know which one I'm talking about, well for everyone who don't I'm talking about ''Rasande Rose' Is the Swedish name of the book. A great one, well anyway I think I would get just the same feeling but of this, a different picture.

Oh well here the song for those who wanna hear the song maybe well hope ypu'll enjoy it:)

So there ya go, There a one thing I would like to do now.. That is to walk in a big wonderful anf so amazingly beautiful forest talking to myself and just like 'play' a little scene for myself. Well I just guees, I'm pretty okay at acting like theather or like something like that well one of my teachers in the eight grade I think he wanted me to go and play NO matter What! Because he thought I where that great.. Well I don't know I just know that I'm good at express feelings and I enjoy it really.. It is kinda fun, and something else I wanna do is to begin to shoot with a bow and arrow.. I think that would be really amazing don't you guys? Well however I'm about to go on the lession and actually do some shit today haha well anyway se ya'll! Hope your life turns out good hugs <3

The whole world feel like turned upside down... dunno what to do dunno what to think...

Get thiz hell out of my head, please!

Thiz is a fucking beautiful song with Adept<3

I am at my grandfathers house right now.. I'm just wondering.. How life could turn out this way..

How everything could get this complicated..

It almost feels like I'm insane, the boy Björn are beginning to feel like a fading memory.

Only difference is that I Know that he's not a memory like that, only I KNOW what happen between ous, only I KNOW every thought, every feeling exactly everything is true. Nothing was unreal.

he and I always used to talk so much.. Actually we talked for hours before and after his trainings when he studied and late late into the night until he said he needed to sleep or until I got so tired so that I couldn't manage to stay awake.. No matter how much I tried..

But even if he got disappointed that I couldn't stay awake he accepted it and said it didn't matter..

That's something about him that I adore, he's a real angel he's really fantastic.

Even if he never would listen when I told him that, even if he never wanted to realize that when I said something like that to him.. I think that he realized it a little.. Or so I hope. I've hoped much latley.. And I've been thinking more than ever lately too. Nothing is really clear to me anymore.. he helped me to see things clear and right, he always helped me he did. But I guess that you cannot always relay something on others now can you? I don't think so..

I asked him about one thing my mother haha she, or we could say she laughed right in my face didn't believe it and so I begun to think that maybe. Maybe it isn't true maybe it just was mu imagination.. But no I knew what I've seen but it all felt like an fading memory.. And so I told him, I told Björn. He said he knew how it was like.. Like it never even happen.. Like you got it up all by yourself..

Things have gotten so complicated and I tell myself over and over that I'm so sad because now I cannot follow them to their house this summer.. And Marie will be so sad.. But then I realized.. That was not it.

Why I was sad was because I screwed an WONDERFUL angel.

He would be my everything. He was amazing he truly was. In the end I tried to tell him how much I liked him.. Everything.. He didn't respond, and I can understand whyy.. But instead my old best friend said that she've seen it.. That she NEVER wanted me to write something like that to him EVER again.. Sure. It's true. It was rude of me, it was totally stupid. But I was only being honest. Sure I wanted a respond of him but did I get that? No. I never did.. I did so much more than Linn, my old friend.at least that's my opinion. But when I realized, that I was only helping her and hurting myself as hell and also Björn.. Then I stoped. Because I realized how much He HATED that.

He and I only talked ifwe really needed to, but then it got different. Then we talked every day, about everything.

I asked him why doesn't you talk with Linn like you do with me? He said it was because he loved her so much.. That he didn't wanna worrie her or something like that he said. But in some way I couldn't believe that, even if I accepted it.

Because it was the wrong answer.. He couldn't talk with her like with me because her respond always got wrong and my didn't. There were always some excuse why he cared, why he did the things he did.. But I know more about him, about many people actually. And it's easy, it's an question about you and you being. If I would listen to people, no one would tell about their life like they do to me.

I loved him and I still do I always thought endless about him because he saw me from the beginning. And that's rare! People don't see me no matter where I am no matter what I do.. If I want people to see me I had to change because I don't wanna be someone else I wanna be Ronja. I wanna be me and me myself. And I don't want anyone to change that. I was beginning liking this boy early.. We did not even know each other for long. And I tried and tried. I tried to not love him, I tried to have none but friendfeelings.

But it didn't work for verry long I tried to keep it up, I tried to not like him I tried to think he wasn't sexy at all! He wasn't that kind. He was actually a jerk. He was stupid and strange.. He was a totally idiot. And a idiot I Never would like! But I knew that all that would be lies. I loved him like hell, no matter how much I tried to not love him.. I just kept on getting stronger and stronger feelings for him.. And in the end I couldn't stand it!

I realized that I loved him more than Anything else in the hole world. I always thought about him no matter how much I tried to not do so. No matter what I did I just begun to think about him more and More and MORE for every fucking second!! and still even though I don't talk with him I long for him and I just think about him ALL the time.. I can't stop.. It's not bearable.. I miss him so and I'm feeling down all the time but I try to smile.. But all memories all thoughts are about him and him only. And I can tell ya guys.. I have NEVER been in love like this...

So.

I just have to say one simple thing.

Sweden suck.

I mean just for fun I tried to talk to some people, to get ''help'' but more to have someone to talk to.. Anyway I tried to english first but also I sent an email to the same site but the one in sweden.. The english ones said they was happy to help! And that they hoped that I would keep in touch with them while the swedish ones said 'you could call this number' or like 'do you know BRIS? you could always call them..' and shit like that! After they told me such things.. I got in touch with the english ones and truly I got revealed.. I mean really? Are you kidding me? If I sent an message to ya do you REALLY think I wanted to talk with some stupid bitch in the friggin phone?? Oooh you're just SO stupid!

I mean like seriously? Are you kidding me??

Sigh.. Also I found out that this guy I fallen in love with.. as stupid as I am.. That he was at Stockholm ith his girlfriend..

I don't really know why but in some stupid friggin way that.. Actually hurt me to know.. Anyway I felt so ashamed! To been sending him all those messages.. Even if I just said 'Hi' I just can't get.. That I couldn't wait.. Stupid stupid little me.. But what could I really expect? He's with his wonderful girlfriend of course he wouldn't get in touch with me.. Anyway it wouldn't matter right now I'm just foolish which fallen so DEEPLY in love with someone I already knew from the beginning that i just couldn't have.. So foolish of little me to let my feelings get in touch.. To let my feelings take over..

Why does the world need to be so cruel against me?

I just don't get it... I get bullied in school wherever I go, I find an awesome and amazing guy which seems different.. I loose my best friend maybe that magical guy his sizz I find out would be a good friend too..

My father raped me I can't set trust to my mother or sister neither at any friends exept that one guy so in other words I've got no one to really trust.. Before did I tell mother something she just had to tell dad so did I want to tell anyone anything he was the one I could talk to.. Now even he did betray me.. Just why?

Sure this might look a bit selfish.. Sure whatev. I just can't set moore feelings to this.

I mean through my life people wrote outside at the walls at school that 'Ronja is a whore!' and I was the only one named Ronja..kids ran around screaming whore whore whoore!all the time.

I was so lonley and I finally got a friend this Linn.. This girl which stabbed me just like that. As children we promised each other that NO guy would come between ous because That would just be stupid! Now look at this.. How easy was that? As children we ran around played games all the times laughed together we survived together we talked about everything walked the forest tooked bath together.. homeworks together.. almost everything.. Because we where BFF's they are suposed to stay together forever right?

But no.. She was exactly like everone else.. Just that she used me when no one else accepted Her. She came to me when she was hurt.. What an friend don't ya agree? hahah so ironic.. I mean.. How could it bee.. This all.. This bullshit.. This life.. Before I could keep quiet before I was strong. Now I can see and feel how weak I am. I can almost not take any pain anymore! I can almost not take anything! I push myself forward and someone told me that I push myself too hard.. That I did great that I shouldn't push myself so hard.. Of course I reacted! My first thought was like

what do you mean with that? What about push myself? This is nothing! This is just redicolous! I've got no reason to complain I'm just a crybaby!

That was my thought but besides that I realized how right that very person was.. How hard I pushed myself.

Because that is how it is to be an outcast.. You have to fight for your own very soul, you have to survive and you have to do what feels right whatever it takes whatever you loose. Because when you once made that very well decision you could never return or change it. You could Never even try to be miss popular.Your set to be one of the outcasts. Sure maybe people already know this Maybe people already thought this maybe you all think *what an looser! Don't she think that's obvious?? That EVERYONE knows such stuff! What an WEAK one!* I don't know maybe but have you really named this set it up in words?

As always I don't care what people say because this is my story this is me so people can think and say whatever they want I DON'T care! Anyway.. I looved theese shoes with high heels as child I wanted those which looked like boots I really liked those! I got maybe four cm high ones or three.. The boots was not even up to my knees..I got to school hanged of my jacked and smiled bright, another Girl Sara had even higher but just shoes people never said anything about that but that very day when I got them.. The girls said nasty lug hag lug hag lug hag!

I didn't understand why? Why did they do that?I didn't dare to go to them so I just stood there listen to those words of theirs I was banned.. Banned to this shit. And then the boys heard it and sang along LUG HAG LUG HAAG!

Why did they just call me that? Why did thay never call Sara that? She used the got damet shoes all the time! This was the first time I Ever wore anything like this! I just couldn't bare to hear this but had no choice I heard those words until the teacher came.. What an release..

That was one of the times, There's many things which happen to me and of ot wasn't enough at school I had to deal with my family too!

Mum always fought with her got damet stupid boyfriends! She just can't realize when to stop.. Anyway I am the one who had to make sizz not crying and make her feel all fine, it always been like that but before I tried to help her I tried to silent the fight but that usually didn't work, or so I called dad to talk then he wanted to talk to sizz and I walked to her and gave her the phone and then I tickeld my fingers in her hair and was just sofly playing around with it which I knew that she loved until she fell asleep then I got to my own room without a sound.. Stayed awake for a little longer thinking and just waited to fall asleep unnoticed.

And dad.. He wasn't an angel either.. He could ask first Tina/sizz 'should I hit Ronja?' She shaked her head careful as if she didn't know the answer then he asked again I saaid should I hit her?!' Terrified she shaked her head with fear in her eyes and so he hit me. He did that alot. There's sure things I don't remember because that got back to me through Linn.. She said that he asked and even if we said no he did. After she told me I remember everyhting clear.

So I been in a lot of pain and as if that wasn't enough I can see feel and dream really strange things.. Sure maybe not the worst but it isn't really nice.

I see ghosts feel them have bad and ugly pictures in my head all the time, and of course I don't tell mother she gets so worried and before I used to tell my friend.. But now I don't know if he's left.. Because my life and I'm really screwed up and I keep hurt people.. So maybe that's even the best..For him and for me and for everyone.. I don't know but maybe..

There's one thing I just can't understand...It's the thing about lying or being quiet or something..

EVERYONE knows how it are going to end so why not just answer the fucking questions and be honest??

I mean okay if it's Hard to say but still the truth about it will still get in public no matter if you're quiet for the moment or lie to an friend because you don't feel like telling them..

I'm like that okay I could lie sometimes okay, but is it really better to be quiet? To say absolutley nothing or pretend like everythings fine when it's not?

I don't think so.. I think this bullshit could in every way been solved in another way! I think that if you're just honest everything will be fine even if truth could be a little hard to take sure it might be, but still why should you lie? It's just silly and a bad move... Jut be honest.. That's the most easy way that exist, and I mean like why do something so much more complicated shit which make people even more angry when they are going to know about the truth sometime soon anyway? Haha that's right THERE'S NO REASON TO DO SO!

However my day is like shit again! Still no answer from Björn Linn my .. friend who where a totall bitch, thought I was mad at her and she was suprised? She was suprised that you get angry if she begs about a new chance to be your friend and then say she can't take being with you anymore? How nice isn't that?

So yet I don't know if my life's over or if the guy really are going to talk to me soon again.. I really hope he will because I wouldn't like to walk through the street like an dead zombie or anything.. Anyway here's my dead end so xo xo biiaatches ;) <3

My whole world has been turned down.

I just wanna die, yesterday night I had been quiet talked to no one, just answered those who talked to me.

For three days I said nothing to Björn..

For three days and yesterday night I tried to talk to him.. after a while like 30-40 minutes after I sent him the message he answered and said he would keep away until I solved the problem with mu so called 'best friend'

well I didn't wanna solve it this time I didn't wanna do anything! I always did I always forgot everything always said 'it's okay it doesn't matter..' and stuff like that I Always forgave them everyone whoever it where.. But I'm tired of that shit now!

So I cried as hell I scratched my face my arms and wanted to scream outloud like crazy but kept quiet kept scratching myself over and over again my tears ran like a fast waterfall until I couldn't breath properly.

My head adn heart hurt really bad right now I just wanna die, but somethings strange and wrong with me I mean it it really IS!

Before if I scratched someone just a little they could begin to bleed so easily even if I didn't mean to harm them.. But when I am TRYING to make myself bleed it barley gets a scratch..

But however it will go I just feel dead and like a walking ghost right now.. LIke nothing exist in my world, I just wanna disappear I just wanna get to sleep so I don't need to think so I could relax for onece and so I wouldn't need those voices..