Why does the world need to be so cruel against me?

I just don't get it... I get bullied in school wherever I go, I find an awesome and amazing guy which seems different.. I loose my best friend maybe that magical guy his sizz I find out would be a good friend too..

My father raped me I can't set trust to my mother or sister neither at any friends exept that one guy so in other words I've got no one to really trust.. Before did I tell mother something she just had to tell dad so did I want to tell anyone anything he was the one I could talk to.. Now even he did betray me.. Just why?

Sure this might look a bit selfish.. Sure whatev. I just can't set moore feelings to this.

I mean through my life people wrote outside at the walls at school that 'Ronja is a whore!' and I was the only one named Ronja..kids ran around screaming whore whore whoore!all the time.

I was so lonley and I finally got a friend this Linn.. This girl which stabbed me just like that. As children we promised each other that NO guy would come between ous because That would just be stupid! Now look at this.. How easy was that? As children we ran around played games all the times laughed together we survived together we talked about everything walked the forest tooked bath together.. homeworks together.. almost everything.. Because we where BFF's they are suposed to stay together forever right?

But no.. She was exactly like everone else.. Just that she used me when no one else accepted Her. She came to me when she was hurt.. What an friend don't ya agree? hahah so ironic.. I mean.. How could it bee.. This all.. This bullshit.. This life.. Before I could keep quiet before I was strong. Now I can see and feel how weak I am. I can almost not take any pain anymore! I can almost not take anything! I push myself forward and someone told me that I push myself too hard.. That I did great that I shouldn't push myself so hard.. Of course I reacted! My first thought was like

what do you mean with that? What about push myself? This is nothing! This is just redicolous! I've got no reason to complain I'm just a crybaby!

That was my thought but besides that I realized how right that very person was.. How hard I pushed myself.

Because that is how it is to be an outcast.. You have to fight for your own very soul, you have to survive and you have to do what feels right whatever it takes whatever you loose. Because when you once made that very well decision you could never return or change it. You could Never even try to be miss popular.Your set to be one of the outcasts. Sure maybe people already know this Maybe people already thought this maybe you all think *what an looser! Don't she think that's obvious?? That EVERYONE knows such stuff! What an WEAK one!* I don't know maybe but have you really named this set it up in words?

As always I don't care what people say because this is my story this is me so people can think and say whatever they want I DON'T care! Anyway.. I looved theese shoes with high heels as child I wanted those which looked like boots I really liked those! I got maybe four cm high ones or three.. The boots was not even up to my knees..I got to school hanged of my jacked and smiled bright, another Girl Sara had even higher but just shoes people never said anything about that but that very day when I got them.. The girls said nasty lug hag lug hag lug hag!

I didn't understand why? Why did they do that?I didn't dare to go to them so I just stood there listen to those words of theirs I was banned.. Banned to this shit. And then the boys heard it and sang along LUG HAG LUG HAAG!

Why did they just call me that? Why did thay never call Sara that? She used the got damet shoes all the time! This was the first time I Ever wore anything like this! I just couldn't bare to hear this but had no choice I heard those words until the teacher came.. What an release..

That was one of the times, There's many things which happen to me and of ot wasn't enough at school I had to deal with my family too!

Mum always fought with her got damet stupid boyfriends! She just can't realize when to stop.. Anyway I am the one who had to make sizz not crying and make her feel all fine, it always been like that but before I tried to help her I tried to silent the fight but that usually didn't work, or so I called dad to talk then he wanted to talk to sizz and I walked to her and gave her the phone and then I tickeld my fingers in her hair and was just sofly playing around with it which I knew that she loved until she fell asleep then I got to my own room without a sound.. Stayed awake for a little longer thinking and just waited to fall asleep unnoticed.

And dad.. He wasn't an angel either.. He could ask first Tina/sizz 'should I hit Ronja?' She shaked her head careful as if she didn't know the answer then he asked again I saaid should I hit her?!' Terrified she shaked her head with fear in her eyes and so he hit me. He did that alot. There's sure things I don't remember because that got back to me through Linn.. She said that he asked and even if we said no he did. After she told me I remember everyhting clear.

So I been in a lot of pain and as if that wasn't enough I can see feel and dream really strange things.. Sure maybe not the worst but it isn't really nice.

I see ghosts feel them have bad and ugly pictures in my head all the time, and of course I don't tell mother she gets so worried and before I used to tell my friend.. But now I don't know if he's left.. Because my life and I'm really screwed up and I keep hurt people.. So maybe that's even the best..For him and for me and for everyone.. I don't know but maybe..

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