So.

I just have to say one simple thing.

Sweden suck.

I mean just for fun I tried to talk to some people, to get ''help'' but more to have someone to talk to.. Anyway I tried to english first but also I sent an email to the same site but the one in sweden.. The english ones said they was happy to help! And that they hoped that I would keep in touch with them while the swedish ones said 'you could call this number' or like 'do you know BRIS? you could always call them..' and shit like that! After they told me such things.. I got in touch with the english ones and truly I got revealed.. I mean really? Are you kidding me? If I sent an message to ya do you REALLY think I wanted to talk with some stupid bitch in the friggin phone?? Oooh you're just SO stupid!

I mean like seriously? Are you kidding me??

Sigh.. Also I found out that this guy I fallen in love with.. as stupid as I am.. That he was at Stockholm ith his girlfriend..

I don't really know why but in some stupid friggin way that.. Actually hurt me to know.. Anyway I felt so ashamed! To been sending him all those messages.. Even if I just said 'Hi' I just can't get.. That I couldn't wait.. Stupid stupid little me.. But what could I really expect? He's with his wonderful girlfriend of course he wouldn't get in touch with me.. Anyway it wouldn't matter right now I'm just foolish which fallen so DEEPLY in love with someone I already knew from the beginning that i just couldn't have.. So foolish of little me to let my feelings get in touch.. To let my feelings take over..

Why does the world need to be so cruel against me?

I just don't get it... I get bullied in school wherever I go, I find an awesome and amazing guy which seems different.. I loose my best friend maybe that magical guy his sizz I find out would be a good friend too..

My father raped me I can't set trust to my mother or sister neither at any friends exept that one guy so in other words I've got no one to really trust.. Before did I tell mother something she just had to tell dad so did I want to tell anyone anything he was the one I could talk to.. Now even he did betray me.. Just why?

Sure this might look a bit selfish.. Sure whatev. I just can't set moore feelings to this.

I mean through my life people wrote outside at the walls at school that 'Ronja is a whore!' and I was the only one named Ronja..kids ran around screaming whore whore whoore!all the time.

I was so lonley and I finally got a friend this Linn.. This girl which stabbed me just like that. As children we promised each other that NO guy would come between ous because That would just be stupid! Now look at this.. How easy was that? As children we ran around played games all the times laughed together we survived together we talked about everything walked the forest tooked bath together.. homeworks together.. almost everything.. Because we where BFF's they are suposed to stay together forever right?

But no.. She was exactly like everone else.. Just that she used me when no one else accepted Her. She came to me when she was hurt.. What an friend don't ya agree? hahah so ironic.. I mean.. How could it bee.. This all.. This bullshit.. This life.. Before I could keep quiet before I was strong. Now I can see and feel how weak I am. I can almost not take any pain anymore! I can almost not take anything! I push myself forward and someone told me that I push myself too hard.. That I did great that I shouldn't push myself so hard.. Of course I reacted! My first thought was like

what do you mean with that? What about push myself? This is nothing! This is just redicolous! I've got no reason to complain I'm just a crybaby!

That was my thought but besides that I realized how right that very person was.. How hard I pushed myself.

Because that is how it is to be an outcast.. You have to fight for your own very soul, you have to survive and you have to do what feels right whatever it takes whatever you loose. Because when you once made that very well decision you could never return or change it. You could Never even try to be miss popular.Your set to be one of the outcasts. Sure maybe people already know this Maybe people already thought this maybe you all think *what an looser! Don't she think that's obvious?? That EVERYONE knows such stuff! What an WEAK one!* I don't know maybe but have you really named this set it up in words?

As always I don't care what people say because this is my story this is me so people can think and say whatever they want I DON'T care! Anyway.. I looved theese shoes with high heels as child I wanted those which looked like boots I really liked those! I got maybe four cm high ones or three.. The boots was not even up to my knees..I got to school hanged of my jacked and smiled bright, another Girl Sara had even higher but just shoes people never said anything about that but that very day when I got them.. The girls said nasty lug hag lug hag lug hag!

I didn't understand why? Why did they do that?I didn't dare to go to them so I just stood there listen to those words of theirs I was banned.. Banned to this shit. And then the boys heard it and sang along LUG HAG LUG HAAG!

Why did they just call me that? Why did thay never call Sara that? She used the got damet shoes all the time! This was the first time I Ever wore anything like this! I just couldn't bare to hear this but had no choice I heard those words until the teacher came.. What an release..

That was one of the times, There's many things which happen to me and of ot wasn't enough at school I had to deal with my family too!

Mum always fought with her got damet stupid boyfriends! She just can't realize when to stop.. Anyway I am the one who had to make sizz not crying and make her feel all fine, it always been like that but before I tried to help her I tried to silent the fight but that usually didn't work, or so I called dad to talk then he wanted to talk to sizz and I walked to her and gave her the phone and then I tickeld my fingers in her hair and was just sofly playing around with it which I knew that she loved until she fell asleep then I got to my own room without a sound.. Stayed awake for a little longer thinking and just waited to fall asleep unnoticed.

And dad.. He wasn't an angel either.. He could ask first Tina/sizz 'should I hit Ronja?' She shaked her head careful as if she didn't know the answer then he asked again I saaid should I hit her?!' Terrified she shaked her head with fear in her eyes and so he hit me. He did that alot. There's sure things I don't remember because that got back to me through Linn.. She said that he asked and even if we said no he did. After she told me I remember everyhting clear.

So I been in a lot of pain and as if that wasn't enough I can see feel and dream really strange things.. Sure maybe not the worst but it isn't really nice.

I see ghosts feel them have bad and ugly pictures in my head all the time, and of course I don't tell mother she gets so worried and before I used to tell my friend.. But now I don't know if he's left.. Because my life and I'm really screwed up and I keep hurt people.. So maybe that's even the best..For him and for me and for everyone.. I don't know but maybe..

There's one thing I just can't understand...It's the thing about lying or being quiet or something..

EVERYONE knows how it are going to end so why not just answer the fucking questions and be honest??

I mean okay if it's Hard to say but still the truth about it will still get in public no matter if you're quiet for the moment or lie to an friend because you don't feel like telling them..

I'm like that okay I could lie sometimes okay, but is it really better to be quiet? To say absolutley nothing or pretend like everythings fine when it's not?

I don't think so.. I think this bullshit could in every way been solved in another way! I think that if you're just honest everything will be fine even if truth could be a little hard to take sure it might be, but still why should you lie? It's just silly and a bad move... Jut be honest.. That's the most easy way that exist, and I mean like why do something so much more complicated shit which make people even more angry when they are going to know about the truth sometime soon anyway? Haha that's right THERE'S NO REASON TO DO SO!

However my day is like shit again! Still no answer from Björn Linn my .. friend who where a totall bitch, thought I was mad at her and she was suprised? She was suprised that you get angry if she begs about a new chance to be your friend and then say she can't take being with you anymore? How nice isn't that?

So yet I don't know if my life's over or if the guy really are going to talk to me soon again.. I really hope he will because I wouldn't like to walk through the street like an dead zombie or anything.. Anyway here's my dead end so xo xo biiaatches ;) <3

My whole world has been turned down.

I just wanna die, yesterday night I had been quiet talked to no one, just answered those who talked to me.

For three days I said nothing to Björn..

For three days and yesterday night I tried to talk to him.. after a while like 30-40 minutes after I sent him the message he answered and said he would keep away until I solved the problem with mu so called 'best friend'

well I didn't wanna solve it this time I didn't wanna do anything! I always did I always forgot everything always said 'it's okay it doesn't matter..' and stuff like that I Always forgave them everyone whoever it where.. But I'm tired of that shit now!

So I cried as hell I scratched my face my arms and wanted to scream outloud like crazy but kept quiet kept scratching myself over and over again my tears ran like a fast waterfall until I couldn't breath properly.

My head adn heart hurt really bad right now I just wanna die, but somethings strange and wrong with me I mean it it really IS!

Before if I scratched someone just a little they could begin to bleed so easily even if I didn't mean to harm them.. But when I am TRYING to make myself bleed it barley gets a scratch..

But however it will go I just feel dead and like a walking ghost right now.. LIke nothing exist in my world, I just wanna disappear I just wanna get to sleep so I don't need to think so I could relax for onece and so I wouldn't need those voices..

When I call mother whore bitch witch and whatever I call her people often say

'don't say that! You don't even mean it now do you.' Or something like that but thing is after I explained what the prob is it seem to make people change their minds and instead ask How she could just be like that?

Only thing I could answer is that I don't know the answer on that.. Because I really don't. I don't even get why she got kids in the first place when she barley can handle it!

That's nice thoughts about your mother huh? Well in my case it is.

If they would be unnice or something like it they would be more like * such a bitch! I would just wish her dead! Like a bloody zombie or her all tared apart wolves attacking her biting her legs and arms of..*

Such thoughts and worse and the best thing is that I always see pictures of that.. Once I saw mum lying on the floor and a man hit her in the side of hers. Well I was only in fifth grade about then and it felt awful now I would give an silent and hysterical laugh!

Well I don't know about you guys but I really think this is crap! I mean a mother should give you love and just being thinking for the best of you! Well shouldn't she? But our doesn't, she keep on saying that she does! But it always end with a fight or something.. Like that one time when she screamed in my face that I would NEVER take her dear booyfriend away! First thing I was thinking about was

*oh yeah you bitch! That's what you really think eh?? Whatever! Like you actually would CARE about ous anyway!*

I've got as I would say half raped but mother says raped of my father so just because of that I moved back to mother again and at the first summer She told me it was MY fault! Everything was! That I ruined her summer that I ruined her life! And that it was all my fault that the family felt bad and had this bad gaze around the place. She always did that in like one two years.. So now it had cooled down because I have 'cooled down' a bit, because after all everything was my fault. It is my fault too that I got teased and bullied in school because I wasn't like everybody else it's my fault dad raped me because I didn't stay at mothers place and also it's my own fault that everythings bad 

B  E  C  A  U  S  E of me! So.. That's my fault? I don't think so.. I got almost Nothing I asked for in the store as child and I didn't beg for much!

LIke once.. That was the most thing I wanted! It was a dragon a red one as a stuffed animal and I wanted it So bad! I kept asking mum if I just couldn't have it?? SHe said sure.. But you buy it by yourself.I was like nine!and our case wasn't bad not that bad! Sure it cost her 200 coins.. In sweden.. But still, what did I get? 20 coins a week? Even that? You see sometimes she didn't gave ous our money and when I had 800! The dragon was gone since long by now and when I had 800 coins she took 700 of them!! WIthout even asking or telling me! So I bought me some stuff and then I asked her if she knew where my money was. She said 'Oh yeah about that.. I needed them hunnie.' My whole world collapsed and it screamed through me like *YOU needed them?? YOU did???? What about me?? What about the dragon??? What about THAT dragon huh???* My world totally collapsed. I didn't know what to do or say so in the end I just told her 'Okay..' I said nothing more I just walked to my room and begun to draw she took my money and my rage got huge but I stayed silent as always.

She sold my rabbit once and I was against it she sold one dog I loved as hell and other animals too. She always fought with me and she still does. When she had fights with her boyfriend I could as young try to get up through the stairs and take courage to try to tell them to please keep it down a little.. That I or sizz couldn't sleep.. sometimes they Could be nice and say 'Sure just go to sleep..'

But mostley they said 'What the fuck are you up you little shit!?? Go to bed NOW straight away!'

Sure I got to bed.. Crying.. But mostly I phoned father and told him how the case was and then he wanted to talk to Tina my sizz and then I sat beside her and played with her hair soft and calmly because I knew she loved that and I knew that she got calm of that. But everything seems to change.. In some cases.. This with my mother and stuff.. Will never. She will always be this crap of shit of a whore as she always been.. which is too bad..

Hi hello everybody!

I'm swedish yeah, but sometimes I just like to write at english it feels mora natruall don't ask me why it just does..

So here's my story..

My life is pretty fuckedup. My mother are selfish also my sister is and my father too and he's in jail.

My mother said not too long ago that I was strange and just so fuckedup! I began to feel down when she said that.

Isn't it the meaning that your mother are going to cheer you up? Make you be happy with yourself? Well at least that's what I always been hearing.

She's a selfish whore. You might not believe me well then don't. But I think she is.

When I first moved here she Promised me that I could be childish again that I could do how and whatever I wanted.. Almost. But sure as I thought it was just a joke something she wanted. Nothing she really was going to keep.

I've learn how to cook how to clean and pretty much stuff.I've also learn to observe things pretty good.

Well no I cannot say that I'm better than everyone else no. I can't but seriously it have to be something with me.. i mean.. Like.. My mother said that once that she couldn't get my thoughts or anything of me!

Well okay bitch so what? I am the fucking one that I am!

I can't care less than I do about her yeah I care about people a lot! But I doesn't hate anyone more than my family and that's not how it should be now is it?

I mena everyone keeps on talking about oh yeah it's in sweden and in sweden everythings just fiine!

Sure really.. No. Same thing with people who says that Life is the most important thing you ever could have. It's not because what would your life be if you had no friend at all? If the word friendly didn't exist? Well I tell ya nothing! Because then we couldn't make a deal with each other we couldn't do anything, we would just be lonly and go mad because of it! So if you have friends you have a life worth living for no matter what all you need is your friends because they are the real reason which makes you go on. i have nothing to really say.

Because I'm just a bullied girl which live in lonlyness and before I go totally mad I want people to know about it. About my thoughts and my will. Becuase I think that my thoughts and style is different to others, I think my way is different. No matter what other people think. This is me and this is what I think.

And no I won't name my own name because I don't feel to. Maybe sometime but not yet.

So this thing about mumie. It's like crazy, she told me how proud she were because SHE made me This strong!?

I'm just sitting beside her quiet and thinking like 'oh yeah you think That's the way it is bitch? What the fuck did you REALLY learn me? Oh yeah that's right! NOTHING! Not a shit! Still she's sitting there all proud and everything..

It was not her, it was dadie which half raped me and totured me in some way it was school who did almost not care school who bullied me as hell, and That bitch think that SHE did?? Oh haha That's just fuckedup!

Sure dad hit me he screamed at me and did things which I wont name this time. But sure he did but I did never Ever have ANY thought of killing myself about then no matter what he'd done.. But here I feel like dead all the time and like I just wanna kill myself Right now! But I can't.. I cannot even cut myself.. Because as fast as I put the sharp knife to my skin there's something else holding it back and the more I try to push the more it tries to stop me. That's why I need to feel this incredible pain.. Sure people had it worse than me but so what? I think the pain I've got is enough whatever happens I cannot feel worse than this not be worse than this. Everything which happen happens with a reason and do you know why? because that's just the way it is. If people didn't have an reason why would they do anything at all then? Would they just walk to an cinema without reason? Would they just hit someone just because? Haha well I don't think so!

I'm not emo and I'm not popular either. I'm something.. Just something special.. And I hope you'll find this and me intresting because as I said THIS is My story! And I don't care what you think because the story's mine and mine only..