Thiz is a fucking beautiful song with Adept<3

I am at my grandfathers house right now.. I'm just wondering.. How life could turn out this way..

How everything could get this complicated..

It almost feels like I'm insane, the boy Björn are beginning to feel like a fading memory.

Only difference is that I Know that he's not a memory like that, only I KNOW what happen between ous, only I KNOW every thought, every feeling exactly everything is true. Nothing was unreal.

he and I always used to talk so much.. Actually we talked for hours before and after his trainings when he studied and late late into the night until he said he needed to sleep or until I got so tired so that I couldn't manage to stay awake.. No matter how much I tried..

But even if he got disappointed that I couldn't stay awake he accepted it and said it didn't matter..

That's something about him that I adore, he's a real angel he's really fantastic.

Even if he never would listen when I told him that, even if he never wanted to realize that when I said something like that to him.. I think that he realized it a little.. Or so I hope. I've hoped much latley.. And I've been thinking more than ever lately too. Nothing is really clear to me anymore.. he helped me to see things clear and right, he always helped me he did. But I guess that you cannot always relay something on others now can you? I don't think so..

I asked him about one thing my mother haha she, or we could say she laughed right in my face didn't believe it and so I begun to think that maybe. Maybe it isn't true maybe it just was mu imagination.. But no I knew what I've seen but it all felt like an fading memory.. And so I told him, I told Björn. He said he knew how it was like.. Like it never even happen.. Like you got it up all by yourself..

Things have gotten so complicated and I tell myself over and over that I'm so sad because now I cannot follow them to their house this summer.. And Marie will be so sad.. But then I realized.. That was not it.

Why I was sad was because I screwed an WONDERFUL angel.

He would be my everything. He was amazing he truly was. In the end I tried to tell him how much I liked him.. Everything.. He didn't respond, and I can understand whyy.. But instead my old best friend said that she've seen it.. That she NEVER wanted me to write something like that to him EVER again.. Sure. It's true. It was rude of me, it was totally stupid. But I was only being honest. Sure I wanted a respond of him but did I get that? No. I never did.. I did so much more than Linn, my old friend.at least that's my opinion. But when I realized, that I was only helping her and hurting myself as hell and also Björn.. Then I stoped. Because I realized how much He HATED that.

He and I only talked ifwe really needed to, but then it got different. Then we talked every day, about everything.

I asked him why doesn't you talk with Linn like you do with me? He said it was because he loved her so much.. That he didn't wanna worrie her or something like that he said. But in some way I couldn't believe that, even if I accepted it.

Because it was the wrong answer.. He couldn't talk with her like with me because her respond always got wrong and my didn't. There were always some excuse why he cared, why he did the things he did.. But I know more about him, about many people actually. And it's easy, it's an question about you and you being. If I would listen to people, no one would tell about their life like they do to me.

I loved him and I still do I always thought endless about him because he saw me from the beginning. And that's rare! People don't see me no matter where I am no matter what I do.. If I want people to see me I had to change because I don't wanna be someone else I wanna be Ronja. I wanna be me and me myself. And I don't want anyone to change that. I was beginning liking this boy early.. We did not even know each other for long. And I tried and tried. I tried to not love him, I tried to have none but friendfeelings.

But it didn't work for verry long I tried to keep it up, I tried to not like him I tried to think he wasn't sexy at all! He wasn't that kind. He was actually a jerk. He was stupid and strange.. He was a totally idiot. And a idiot I Never would like! But I knew that all that would be lies. I loved him like hell, no matter how much I tried to not love him.. I just kept on getting stronger and stronger feelings for him.. And in the end I couldn't stand it!

I realized that I loved him more than Anything else in the hole world. I always thought about him no matter how much I tried to not do so. No matter what I did I just begun to think about him more and More and MORE for every fucking second!! and still even though I don't talk with him I long for him and I just think about him ALL the time.. I can't stop.. It's not bearable.. I miss him so and I'm feeling down all the time but I try to smile.. But all memories all thoughts are about him and him only. And I can tell ya guys.. I have NEVER been in love like this...